Heaven Knows
by sparklylulz
Summary: Kurt Hummel is not accustomed to being out of control.


**A/N: **This is a second chapter in "_Glee for All_."

This does not have a stereotypical ending. I love Kurt, and thought I should show some appreciation.

It's not the most common use of the song either, but it fits perfectly.

The song used is "I'm Not that Girl" from Wicked.

* * *

Kurt wasn't accustomed to this feeling. He hated feeling out of control, like he had no choice in the matter. The last time he could remember feeling this way was when his mother had gotten sick. Even at eight years old, Kurt knew what was going to happen, and he had learned then how much he truly hated not being able to be in control.

Now, eight years later he felt that same dreadful sensation in the pit of his stomach. It wasn't supposed to happen, and how in the name of Christ had he let it? It was bad enough to be gay, but it was even worse to fall in love with someone who never, ever, would love him back.

"_Hands touch, eyes meet  
Sudden silence, sudden heat  
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl  
He could be that boy  
But I'm not that girl_ "

Noah Puckerman was an asshole, plain and simple. He had thrown Kurt in the dumpster every day since freshman year. He had called him the token names, "faggot," "homo," etc. Kurt had grown use to this behavior, and had learned to tune it out.

It wasn't until Puck showed up at Glee rehearsal that Kurt realized how out of control he truly was. Even though he'd stopped throwing Kurt in dumpsters, he still wasn't nice. In all honesty, Kurt _missed_ being thrown in the dumpster. At least Puck knew he existed back then, now he didn't even look Kurt's direction. And that was truly heart breaking.

"_Don't dream too far  
Don't lose sight of who you are  
Don't remember that rush of joy  
He could be that boy  
I'm not that girl_ "

Kurt wasn't really sure when he had truly fallen in love, but he knew it was sometime around when Puck sang "Sweet Caroline" for Rachel. It was like a veil had been pulled back and he saw this side to Noah that he never knew existed. He was vulnerable, and perfect, and everything Kurt had ever dreamed of. What a stupid dream that was.

Kurt tried to push that feeling of joy he got every time he saw Puck out of his brain. If the football star ever knew about his feelings, a trip to the dumpster would be the least of his worries. He really did try to ignore his feelings. He kept telling himself that those butterflies in Glee had nothing to do with the tan boy that sat in front of him. He couldn't even tell Mercedes, she wouldn't understand. He wasn't just crushing, he was in love.

"_Every so often we long to steal  
To the land of what-might-have-been  
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel  
When reality sets back in_ "

Kurt had never been truly heartbroken until when he found out about Puck and Quinn's secret. It had all been an accident. He never meant to walk in on them in the Home Ec room, throwing flour and eggs. They looked perfect, he looked so happy, and that was the most painful thing Kurt ever experienced.

Quinn was pregnant with Puck's baby, even the smallest, almost non existent chance of something happening had been squashed. He'd always assumed Puck had feelings for Quinn, who wouldn't? Now they were having a baby, whether Finn knew it or not, that bitchy cheerleader was in love with his best friend. As was the boy crying in the third red bathroom stall, trying to quash the heartache that was suffocating him.

"_Blithe smile, lithe limb  
She who's winsome, she wins him  
Gold hair with a gentle curl  
That's the girl he chose  
And Heaven knows  
I'm not that girl_ "

When the truth finally got out, everyone was shocked. No one more so than Finn, whose heartbreak could have rivaled Kurt's. Kurt was so angry, it was so stupid of him to ever think he could compete with the perfect blond girl whose stomach was swelling larger every second he cried over that beautiful boy.

Kurt figured he'd probably always be in love with Noah, there was just something about him that Kurt would never forget. He'd seen him change so much over the course of a year, especially after his daughter was born. He just wanted to get rid of the ridiculous feeling of being in love with anyone.

"_Don't wish, don't start  
Wishing only wounds the heart  
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl_ "

Finn forgave him, of course, and ended up confessing the love he'd always harbored for Rachel. Mike and Brittany, Matt and Santana had all gotten together also. Tina and Artie worked out all their problems, and even Mercedes had met some guy through Tina. And that left Kurt all alone, wishing for what might have been.

Kurt didn't understand what on this goddamn earth he had done to deserve all this pain. All he ever wanted was to be accepted. To be loved for who he was, and maybe someday feel the same happiness his mother and father had shared. Why, oh why, had he fallen in love with Noah Puckerman? That was probably the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him.

"_There's a girl I know  
He loves her so  
I'm not that girl_ "

Kurt's voice faded out in the small rehearsal room, and he wiped away the tears he was so use to quickly. He turned to see a tall boy standing in the doorway with his head bowed, his mohawk giving away who he was instantly. Kurt swallowed, trying to breathe properly.

"Kurt, I just wanted to say sorry, for all the shit I did. It was out of li-"

That sentence never was finished because Kurt had lost his mind for a moment and seized Puck's shirt pulling himself up and putting his lips to Noah's. It took him a second to come to his senses and he pulled away. He was crying again, but he didn't really notice.

"It's okay." He said to a stunned Noah before shutting off the lights and walking out of the room. Feeling like things would be okay for the first time in a very long time.


End file.
